Poet Excoriate

2009-05-06T17:59:00.008+01:00

Pange Lingua
or
How the Queen appointed her new Poet Laureate

Said Liz with a leer, "Now Duffy my dear,
I am tired of the ladies who wait.
Do you think you might care, could we possibly dare,
You aren't at all up for a queer-date?
One's begun to decay: I've gone grey on the pate,
But the fringe at my minge
Has a tinge of orynge
And the hairs on my ass are quite aureate.
If you fancy a ginge we'll go on a binge
And should courtiers cringe
Or the odd bishop whinge,
We'll tell the whole shower Go populate!"

Double Donkey

2009-04-06T23:33:00.001+01:00

A house-warming present from my mother - now hanging in the downstairs loo...

A post-modernist poem.

2009-03-26T14:50:00.001Z

Ode on the mystic civil partnership of St Thomas Aquinas and Graham Vxxxx (with Blessed Brian McCxxxx):

One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you...

2009-02-20T09:22:00.002Z

The Curse of Bishop Ernulfus

2009-02-04T17:31:00.002Z

By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect of God, may he (XXXXXX) be damn'd.

We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord God, "Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways". And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him and make satisfaction. Amen.

May the Father who created man, curse him.

May the Son who suffered for us curse him.

May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him

May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.

May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.

May St.Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.

May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.

May St. John, the Praecursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ's apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him.

May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him.

May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn him.

May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him.

May he be damn'd wherever he be whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.

May he be cursed in living, in dying, in eating and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!

May he be cursed in all the faculties of his body!

May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!

May he be cursed in the hair of his head!

May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex, in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!

May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!

May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin, in his thighs, in his genitals, and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails!

May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no soundness in him!

May the son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty curse him and may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him unless he repent and make satisfaction!

Amen. So be it, so be it. Amen.

And, given that this thread may have Tridentine followers, just for you:

Textus de Ecclesia Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.

Excommunicatio.

Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctaeque et entemeratae Virginis Dei genetricis Mariae, atque omnium coelestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium apolstolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,

Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus hunc furem, (vel hunc malefactorem), N.N., et a liminibus sanctae Dei ecclesiae sequestramus, et aeternis in suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede a nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et sicut aqua ignis extinguatur lucerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi resipuerit, et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen.

Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui hominem creavit.

Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est.

Maledicat illum Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est.

Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostra salute hostem triumphans ascendit.

Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria.

Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum.

Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et potestates, omnisque militia coelestis.

Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus.

Maledicat illum sanctus Johannes Praecursor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et caeteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistae, qui sua praedicatione mundum universum converterunt.

Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est.

Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quae mundi vana causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt.

Maledicant illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deo dilecti inveniuntur.

Maledicant illum coeli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.

Maledictus sit ubicunque, fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in via, sive in semita, sive in silva, sive in aqua, sive in ecclesia.

Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo, manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.

Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis.

Maledictus sit intus et exterius.

Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus sit in cerebro.

Maledictus sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, in labris sive molibus, in labiis, in guttere, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore, in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus, in cruribus, in pedibus, et in unguibus.

Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque ad plantam pedis - non sit in eo sanitas.

Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suae majestatis imperio et insurgat adversus illum coelum cum omnibus virtutibus quae in eo moventur ad damnandum eum, nisi penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit.

Amen. Fiat, fiat. Amen.

p.didymos - resource

Poet Excoriate

Double Donkey

A post-modernist poem.

One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you...

The Curse of Bishop Ernulfus